Monday, 22 October 2018
BREAKING NEWS

Bob Dyer: Cops with a funny bone

Bob Dyer: Cops with a funny bone
04 Oct
9:23

According to the Associated Press, the North Royalton Police Department is staffed by big fans of Road Runner cartoons.

The department reportedly posted an advisory after a string of coyote sightings. The advisory said residents should call 911 unless they see:

• Coyotes carrying any product marked “ACME.”

• Coyotes dropping anvils from hot air balloons.

• Coyotes posting signs such as “Detour” or “Free Bird Seed.”

• Coyotes in possession of a giant magnet.

• Coyotes in possession of a catapult.

• Coyotes detonating “TNT.”

• Coyotes on roller skates with rockets attached.

Deadly humor

From reader Allan Doelling of Fairlawn, commenting on a recent obituary that said the deceased’s family and friends would be received at a place in Medina County’s River Styx:

“That is, I presume, if they can get by Cerberus, the three-headed dog who guards this mythical river, the boundary to the gates of Hades.

“While I will have no control over my soul’s final resting place, I hope that my family and friends will be received at the Pearly Gates, perhaps welcomed by the friendly, one-headed dog named Lassie.”

He’s here all week.

Terrorist in training

I’ve already written more than enough about the paperwork required to obtain a “compliant” Ohio driver’s license or ID, which you will need by October 2020 to fly commercially and enter federal buildings. But I couldn’t resist this gem, from reader Mike Vale.

Many moons ago, Vale had his Social Security card laminated to protect it. When he presented it at the deputy registrar, it was rejected because it had been “modified.”

The end is near.

Close call

The story about Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh being a college buddy of former Cleveland Cavaliers player Chris Dudley dredged up a fun anecdote from the memory banks of retired Beacon Journal reporter Dave Scott. He posted it on Facebook.

“The Beacon had a fast-typing sportswriter who was a terrific talent but sometimes burped out horrible homonyms, misspellings and other goofs that required a close eye. After Dudley made several key rebounds, our intrepid reporter wrote, ‘Meanwhile, Dudley had his usual broad-banging night …’

“We had a sharp-eyed female copy editor who saved the day.”

End of era

As a colleague noted, it might be time for the city to remove the “Home of the Bridgestone Invitational” sign on West Market Street at the Fairlawn-Akron line.

Or maybe change it to, “Home of a Tournament Played By Golfers Who Used to be Great But Are Now Elderly.”

Pretty personal

From a PR firm attempting to set up an interview with a celebrity spokesperson for a company that sells teeth-whitening pens:

“Hi, Bob.

“With hectic schedules and on-the-go lifestyles, it can be difficult to maintain beauty luxuries while being out and about all day. And while our tote bags are filled with makeup, a hair brush and even gym clothes for an after-work spin or Yoga class, it’s likely there are evening plans, too.

“So how can you possibly put one more thing in our tote for beauty routine?”

How can “I” put one more thing in “our” tote? Ma’am, we barely know each other.

Sexy sport

In a packet sent by Major League Baseball to members of the media who will be covering the 2018 playoffs was a full-page advisory headed, “Major League Baseball Dress Guidelines.”

Starting in 1995, when the local team finally got its act together, your favorite columnist has worn credentials to 59 playoff games, including every game, home and away, throughout the 1995 and 1997 World Series seasons.

My colleagues have displayed a wide range of clothing choices, from expensive suits to jeans. But I somehow missed the folks who apparently triggered this warning.

“Clothing should be appropriate for a business-casual work environment. The following are some non-exclusive examples of apparel that should be avoided:

• Sheer or see-through clothing.

• Excessively short skirts, dresses or shorts (e.g., cut more than 3-4 inches above the knee).

• … One-shouldered or strapless shirts.

• Clothing exposing bare midriffs or visible undergarments.”

And here I thought baseball was America’s pastime.

Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com. He also is on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bob.dyer.31.

Source: https://www.ohio.com/news/20181003/bob-dyer-cops-with-funny-bone

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