Sunday, 18 November 2018
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Dead Letters: “BITCH YOURE NOT FUNNY AT ALL”

Dead Letters: “BITCH YOURE NOT FUNNY AT ALL”
08 Sep
3:23
Photo: AP

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite reader mail. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors and writers are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: I guess they didn’t teach math and sports broadcasting school 1/10 of a mile equals 528 Fe please correct your story so some of your younger readers out there don’t become sport casters and make dumbass mistakes like this

From: Dennis K.

To: Barry Petchesky

[No text.]

From: Barry Petchesky

To: Dennis K.

Hi Dennis, Trevor Story hit three home runs a total of 1,380 feet, which equals roughly .26 of a mile.

From: Dennis K.

To: Barry Petchesky

Sorry I didn’t read the whole article guess you got me on that one good luck with your math in the future

Subject: Keep Searching

From: Mathew H.

To: Dvora Meyers

I know you wanted so badly to find MSU at fault for something. When are people like you and Paula Lavigne going to give it up already? Irresponsibly dragging Izzo and Dantonio into this Nassar issue is beyond criminal. You can’t hold someone accountable several years ago buy today’s rules. Reporting to Title IX is what was supposed to be done and it was done immediately. ESPN conveniently buried those reports to fit their little narrative. What will your response be when the Attorney General report says the exact same thing? Nothing to see hear? Give up already. Keep searching for someone else to smear because all of you got this one WRONG. The people that defamed these two coaches should pay with their jobs but I guess a lot like the NCAA, we will just move it along because theirs nothing to see here and another writer of fake news will be let off the hook. Investigative journalism no longer exists. Just sensationalistic click bait bullshit. I’m embarrassed for all of you. Go find another life to ruin without repercussion.

-Matt

Subject: Weird

From: F. William

To: Albert Burneko

The group of Celtics in 2008 put on a grand performance to conquer their title.

It was no special defining moments of anyone’s life but just an interesting display of bonded athleticism.

Some teammates bond little while some teammates remain in contact longer.

Totally irrelevant to anyone else’s business.

So my question for you is WTF is your problem. Did your mom and dad forget to love you because you sound like hate is what drives you but for either of us to write an article that denigrates anyone’s choice in relationships only demonstrates our own understanding of love’s freedom, and/or lack there of it, imo.

Namaste

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Column on Celtics

From: Mark D.

To: Albert Burneko

If your so tired of the 2008 Celtics, why are you writing about them. Seems pretty stupid to do something your complaining doesn’t need doing

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: DREW INTERVENTION

From: Will T.

To: Albert Burneko

I’m worried about Drew… in his GQ article he said he couldn’t make a burger at home better than the one he could get from Shake Shack.

This man is a chopped champion.

You’ve cooked with Drew. He’ll listen to you.

Please teach him that home burgers are both simple and delicious. Maybe even make a blog post about it. I’m not one to tell you how to live your life. I just want you to tell Drew how to live his life.

I’m actually really bothered by this whole thing. I sent him a link to Kenji Lopez Alts smashed burger recipe… and the name of my favorite butcher in DC. I’m willing to bet he didn’t listen.

Thank you for your time.

Will

Subject: your wnba pay disparity article is trash

From: Richard W.

To: Patrick Redford

let me first tell you that way more people watch the nba vs wnba. Why? well its pretty obvious to me. Men are better in sports than women. Especially basketball, and pretty much all of sports. they generate more money, therefore they get paid more. Its simple as that. More people watch men play sports because they’re better at it. If these wnba players really want to put their money to their mouths, have the best wnba players challenge nba players. i dont see them proving that they are better. So stop with the feminazi argument. Btw, they dont do the same work. Wnba plays 34 games, nba plays 82. Equal pay, give me a break.

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Subject: (no subject)

From: Naklee H.

To: Patrick Redford

Look man enough of this PC bullshit. No one watches this bullshit league and that’s not a chauvinistic thing because women themselves don’t watch. Have you seen the arenas? Have noticed all the empty seats? Now If we are talking about ratings, popularity and putting butts in the seats how can any of these clown in the wnba justify a raise? Let’s not even talk comparable pay to NBA stars! This is a joke. Do women really want equality or they want to cry for equality while also justifying being coddled and carried?! Can I simply demand a degree from Harvard simply because more women are suddenly graduating then men? This is bs. Stop the noise and let the product speak for itself.

Sent from my Blackberry – the most secure mobile device – via the Sprint Network

Subject: Foo Fighters

From: Shean G.

To: Lauren Theisen

Low life musicians?? Who the hell do you think you are bitch?!

Get a life!

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: (no subject)

From: Gary L.

To: Lauren Theisen

Foo fighters, low lifes and devilsh ways?? YOU dont have a clue do YOU?? Dave grohl is the definition of class and talent. YOU should apologize for saying that about them..

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Subject: lowlife?

From: Matt B.

To: Lauren Theisen

Ms. Theisen,

please tell me your “lowlife” description of the Foo Fighters was intended as humor?

Matt

Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

Subject: Great language. Do you have children? Do your parents hear you talk like that?

From: dennanddi3

To: Lauren Theisen

Shame on you and your system for putting vulgar remarks out there for pubic reading. Shows a low I Q to me. Go feed animals at a zoo in South America if you are going to use language such as that.

Sent from Windows Mail

Subject: Stop being a snowflake. Plus we dont need another anti football woman cover football.

From: Albert H.

To: Lauren Theisen

[No text.]

Subject: (no subject)

From: Matthew L.

To: Lauren Theisen

Bell was offered a contract…2 in facted…rolling guaranteed monies just like every Steeler player’s contract. Don’t make it sound like the organization has not made any kind of effort. There are players who think of the “Team” and collect for himself at tge same time and then there are those players who only want for himself.

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Subject: Try again

From: JR L.

To: Lauren Theisen

Sorry, little girl, not everyone hates Donald Trump. Only wildly misinformed, hateful people seem to dislike him.

This piece reads like it was written by a high school student. If you’re older, you should act like it.

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Francoeur comments

From: Jeff M.

To: Lauren Theisen

I won’t bother responding to your ageist comments about the Braves commentators, but I will educate you on what Francoeur meant when he said home runs kill rallies. If you did your research you would find that statistically when someone hits a home run, the next batter strikes out at a high percentage. In that way home runs can kill a rally. There are several possible reasons for this. First, following a batter that just hit a home run causes you to feel pressure and subconsciously you try to hit a home run yourself, which greatly reduces your ability to do so. Second, the pitcher that gives up the homer experiences a surge in adrenaline and many times has added velocity to his pitches. As far as your comments about the Braves commentators, you come off as a liberal millennial who just views southerners as racist, conservative, white men. In an age when giving “hot takes” is all the rage, yours are silly and devoid of fact or even common sense.

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Subject: Joe, chip, Jeff.

From: Larry S.

To: Lauren Theisen

You might want to learn something about the game before you run your ignorant mouth. They are absolutely correct and know more about baseball than you will ever know, if you lived to a thousand.

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Subject: (no subject)

From: D

To: Lauren Theisen

Everything that Jeff Francour said makes perfect baseball sense. The fact that you don’t understand and need to ignorantly comment defines your abilities.

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Subject: I am an “OHIO” asshole? You better watch you fucking cunting big mouth. Seriously need to learn some good god damn respect for people. Deadspin is a fucking scumbag site with scumbag employees. I know who you are!

From: jason hill <kill4mehill@gmail.com>

To: Lauren Theisen

[No text.]

Subject: “DEATH LINEUP”

From: Destiny B.

To: Lauren Theisen

BITCH YOURE NOT FUNNY AT ALL. YOURE JUST ANOTHER LAME ASS BLOGGER SEEKING ATTENTION. YOU’LL NEVER BE SHIT MF.

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Your article on Jon Heyman

From: Elisabeth M.

To: Samer Kalaf

Jon Heyman stands ten feet taller then you as a person professional. HE is a professional, TRUSTWORTHY reliable and has integrity. And you write for “Deadspin” – Perfect name for this low class website which doesn’t come NEAR to the class and reputation of Jon Heyman. This website IS “Deadspin” – prefect name!

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

Subject: To kalief food.Get a big Pacifier stick in your ass hide in your save space AND suck on it for the next 7years. Melting Gyro

From: balto212

To: Samer Kalaf

[No text.]

Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device

Subject: Martinez

From: Pete Dudack

To: Samer Kalaf

You must be some faggot ass Yankee fan. You’re a fucking lousy piece of shit. move out of country if you hate guns so fucking bad you fucking asshole. when you were you one of your loved ones gets fucking blown away maybe you’ll change your mind you piece of fucking crap. Hitler took over cuz fucking Jews didn’t defend themselves. Look at the Jews now they got fucking nuclear weapons to the hilt and their motto is never again you fucking asshole. you know shit and you know shit about history you fucking dick sucking fucking homo

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Subject: (no subject)

From: Ray W.

To: Samer Kalaf

See if w

Subject: