Ah, humans¬†are such phenomenally clumsy, idiotic creatures. Riddled with injuries. I mean we‚Äôre all so fucken moronic that there‚Äôs a whole bunch of ~awards~ set up where all the stupidest ways that people have gotten themselves killed are honoured. They‚Äôre the¬†Darwin Awards and as much as it‚Äôs sad that all the award recipients are extremely not alive to claim their prize, holy shit did they go out in a blaze of doltish glory.
This story, however, is about people who are alive. People who have hurt themselves in ways that are so profoundly oafish that it‚Äôs wild to think that they‚Äôre not just wrapped in bubble wrap at all times, but, miraculously, they‚Äôre still here to tweet the tale.
Yarns of people falling over and breaking bones, getting caught on shit, and generally just getting hurt in the most inane situations have been chronicled in a glorious¬†Twitter thead this week, sparked by one¬†Eleanor Penny.
Your personal brand is the most stupid way in which you‚Äôve accidentally injured yourself.
‚ÄĒ Eleanor Penny (@eleanorkpenny) August 15, 2018
Somewhat surprisingly, a bunch of the injuries sustained by the deadset¬†clods have been recurring ones, usually done in the exact same way as the first time. Whether through exaggerated reenactments or just sheer dumb luck, holy shit people are so god damn accident-prone.
Anyway, here are some of my favourites, and also a few choice ones from the¬†PEDESTRIAN.TV team. Enjoy.
Cycled down some concrete steps on Brighton seafront ‚Äėcos I thought it was a ramp. Picked up by two homeless guys and covered with McDonalds serviettes to staunch the blood. A man walking a new baby to sleep came over and said ‚ÄėI thought you were going to do an amazing trick.‚Äô
‚ÄĒ Stovepipe Wells (@KenBatchpole) August 16, 2018
Yeah cool trick dude, is it called¬†‚Äúabsolutely fucking yourself over‚ÄĚ?
I saw an uncovered manhole while walking to a pharmacy, then fell into the manhole while walking back from the pharmacy.
‚ÄĒ Jason Livingston (@JasonJliv) August 16, 2018
Oh‚Ä¶.Oh my god.
I was looking for something and I picked up my guitar amp, dropped it on my pinky toe, flinched and kicked my other foot on the edge of my bed and fell down and hit my head hard on my floor. It was great.
‚ÄĒ taylah (@rocksvinyls) August 16, 2018
Giving myself a black eye via punching my face accidentally with the end of my ski pole. I wasn‚Äôt skiing ‚Äď I was walking down some stairs.
‚ÄĒ Melissa Mason (@MelMason5) August 17, 2018
An absolute pearler of an injury there from our Senior Style & Features Editor,¬†Melissa.
In middle school, we were throwing a football against a wall to see which wacky way it‚Äôd bounce. When it was my turn, I ran right up to the wall and threw the football against it as hard as I could‚ÄĒit immediately bounced back directly into my eye with the pointy end. ????????
‚ÄĒ Richard Holding an R.E.M. Vinyl Box Set (@recordsaredumb) August 16, 2018
I fell down the same set of stairs twice when I was a dumbass kid, resulting in a concussion both times. The second time was a year later almost to the day.
‚ÄĒ Muscle Coight (@mopkins88) August 17, 2018
They say lightning doesn‚Äôt strike twice in the same spot but our¬†Tech & Gaming Editor, Matt, will absolutely stack it down the same set of stairs twice.
I forgot that my hand was resting atop the window of my car door when I slammed it shut (yes, I shut my hand in the car door & it was STUCK). I tried to open it with my other hand, but I had already locked my car door & had dropped my keys into my purse. ???? PAINFULLY awkward :-\
‚ÄĒ Top????Hat (@top_hat_321) August 16, 2018
And just to prove that I am not immune from being a total fucking idiot when it comes to accidents, please enjoy my own memories of mercilessly owning myself physically.
slid down a soaped-up trampoline on my knees, flew off the end, and wrapped myself around a tree stump in the garden.
‚ÄĒ corduroy (@courtwhip) August 17, 2018
was too impatient to wait for the ladder at the local pool, i tried to clamber out on the side. my hands slipped from under me and i came down face-first on the concrete and tile poolside.
‚ÄĒ corduroy (@courtwhip) August 17, 2018
If this isn‚Äôt a real big Friday Mood, then I don‚Äôt know what is.
20th Century Fox